Last year, I lost what was supposed to be my second child.
One of the most challenging parts of the miscarriage experience, especially as it was happening and in the week that followed, was the general lack of support. This stirred up a lot of feelings for me because at that time, I felt like people who were supposed to care about me simply did not. I felt a lot of anger towards those who didn’t show up as I needed them to.
My loss opened up some deep conversations with my friends, and several people said they simply didn’t know what to do. To be fair, before this, I don’t think I would have known what to do to support someone who had miscarried either. This made me realize that the people who didn’t show up as I needed them to simply may not have known how to.
With so many women and families dealing with pregnancy loss in silence, there is such a veil over the experience that makes it feel somewhat removed from the human experience. Even with about a quarter of women experiencing pregnancy loss at some point in their lives, we, as a society, are still removed from the experience.
In order to help more women feel supported through their miscarriages, I decided to get really honest about what I needed during this time. Of course, everybody is different, so what would’ve helped me may have overwhelmed someone else, but there is undoubtedly some universal truth to some of my needs throughout this process.
With that said, here’s a list of things that would’ve been helpful to me in the early days of healing after my miscarriage.
1. Provide a Meal
The most valuable thing someone gifted me during my miscarriage was a DoorDash gift card. We spent so much money on food delivery in the first few days because I had no energy to cook, my husband was on toddler duty, and we just felt like lying around.
I really would’ve appreciated a meal, either delivered fresh or even frozen, at this time. Although I had not given birth, my body was recovering from a traumatic incident. I was physically unwell, and being in the kitchen was not an option.
Not only would it have been helpful if someone had brought us food, but I think it would’ve made me feel more seen. Obviously, a miscarriage is not the same as the death of a loved one who has actually walked the earth, but when someone dies, communities rally with food for days. This was not the case for us.
2. Provide Household Help
Something that would’ve been really helpful during my miscarriage and the days following was help around the house.
We were fortunate to have help with my toddler almost every day. We had some help around the house, too. However, if someone had stepped up and kept my kitchen and living room tidy, as they did when I was postpartum with a newborn, that would’ve been tremendous.
3. Be Proactive
So many people told me to let them know if I needed anything in the early days, and unfortunately, I didn’t even know what I needed. If someone had just told me they were bringing me a meal or coming to watch my son, I would’ve been thrilled.
Of course, you need to know how close your relationship is to determine whether this is appropriate. If a random mutual on social media insisted on coming to my house to watch my kid, I’d be freaked out. But if a close friend did this, I’d cry tears of joy.
4. Be Intentional with Your Words
You may not know what to say to someone who miscarried, and I get it. I also would not know what to say. However, what people said to me really did stick with me.
Honestly, a simple “I am sorry for your loss” is sufficient. I also found comfort in others opening up about their losses (as long as it didn’t turn into a situation of one-upping me with their trauma). I really a simple “how are you doing?” text days or even weeks later.
However, there are a few things that people have said to me or my other friends who have had miscarriages that didn’t sit right with me:
- “You were only 7 weeks.” – It still was painful.
- “When can you start trying again?” – Just please no. Now is not the time.
- “At least you have one child.” – Yeah, and I wanted that child to have a sibling.
- “It’s what God wanted.” – Even as someone who believes in God, this is not comforting in the slightest.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” I agree with this sentiment, but it wasn’t what I needed to hear in the early days.
What you say really does matter.
5. Hold Space for them to Rant
As I mentioned, I harbored quite a bit of anger during this process. A few people held space for me to fully unload all my feelings, and that truly helped. In this moment, it was more than just hearing my experience. They let me unleash all of the emotions that otherwise would’ve eaten me alive and validated those feelings in the process.
This continued to be true as I processed the feelings in the many months after. As time went on, I still needed space to process things out loud, and I am very grateful for my friends who heard me out even when my feelings made no sense.
6. Remember the Partner
One of the hardest things for me during my miscarriage experience was the general lack of regard for my husband. The people whom I thought should be stepping up for him didn’t. Nobody checked to see how he was doing.
His people reached out a couple of times to see if I was okay (which I very much appreciated), and his friends sent flowers (which I also very much appreciated). Still, everybody seemed to forget that he also lost a baby. The excitement he felt about giving our child a sibling was also ripped away. He was also hurting.
When I shared the news on social media, dozens of people reached out to me, but only one person reached out to him.
A simple text from friends or family asking him how HE was doing probably would’ve made a world of difference.
Thank You For Caring
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably actively interested in offering support to someone you love after they’ve had a miscarriage. That person is lucky to have you. Of course, this advice is written from just my perspective, and not every person will need the same support through a miscarriage. However, it never hurts to just be there.
I will never forget the people who showed up for us when we lost our baby. There were people from whom I expected more, but I need to remind myself that they may not have known how to show up for us in that moment.
At the very least, I now know how to show up for someone else who, unfortunately, ends up in this position one day.
Tea Addicts Anonymous 