The Untold Tales Of A Nanny

Being a babysitter or nanny can be very interesting.  Where there are kids, there are innocent statements and questions that make for a good laugh for adults.  I have been babysitting for about five years now and nannying for about four months.  It is time to share some untold stories and some ridiculous conversations that I have had with children that I have watched.

 

The Madhouse

One time, I watched a family with a three year old boy and a six year old girl.  Let me preface this by saying that the pay was very low and the home was a far drive for me.  I watched the kids every day for a week.

The first few days were okay besides a very moody toddler who knew some really bad words and obscene gestures.  The family had a pool and we would go swimming.  The first time I put on a bathing suit, the three year old told me that I looked sexy and blew me kisses.  I was kind of creeped out because this child had to have learned it somewhere.

Around the middle of the week, I get a call from the parent telling me that his brother-in-law was about to bring over his son who I would watch.  The son was 12 years old, so I told them that it was no big deal.  It was nothing that I could not handle.  On top of this, the kids called their neighbors and asked them to come over.  The mom neighbor permitted it and they said that the parents allowed.

We decided to swim again. I had brought my phone out to the pool and wrapped it in a towel in case I got a call from any of the parents.  At some point, the 12 year old took my phone out and threw it in the pool.  This child was not special needs or anything, and had previously had his own phone (which he dropped in the pool.) He said that he wanted to see if the phone was waterproof.  Guess what!! It. Was. Not.

The father of this child and I arranged to meet at the mall next day, where he bought a brand new iPhone for me.  Needless to say, I was “busy” every time this family called me again.

 

Girls vs. Boys

The family that I nanny for now has two little boys; one is two years old and one is four. Over the summer, I was with the boys every day from 8-4 for about everyday.  We went from strangers to family very soon.  Kids being kids, there were no boundaries on their end.  One of the first times we went swimming, I got the kids their suits and grabbed mine to go into the bathroom to change.

As soon as the older son found out that I was not changing outside with them, he threw a huge fit.  He was completely distraught over the fact that I would not change in front of them.

He said, “Emily, c’mon.  It is okay to just take your clothes off here.  I know what a penis and bum-bum look like.  I know you have them.  What is the problem?”

Of course I had to bite my tongue.  I did not want the kid going back to his parents and telling them about how the nanny told them about girl private parts so I opted for a different route.  I told him that it was not appropriate to see adults or big kid’s privates.  He told me that his parents change outside with him (which may or may not be true, who knows?) so I told him that his parents are the only adults he can see naked.

About a week later, we were jumping on the trampoline and he asked me to be the mama jaguar, which was a common game for us to play.  I played along and he told me that I was going to have puppies coming out of my vagina soon.  He proceeded to tell me that he saw the babies coming out of my pants.  I guess the parents gave him a little anatomy lesson.

 

Kineapple

The two year old that I nanny regularly speaks very well for his age, but there are still words that he struggles with.  He loves pineapples and flamingos, which are two words that he cannot pronounce. He pronounces them “kineapple” and “flingo.”  If I help him sound it out, he can say flamingo occasionally but never pineapple.

One day, when I was helping him sound it out I told him to repeat after me, and this is how it went:

Me: Say Pineapple. P-p-pineapple.

2 y/o: K-K-kineapple.

Me: No, P-p-pineapple

2 y/o: P-p-kineapple

 

The Poet

I used to watch this one girl who was an only child and totally acted like your typical only child.  Her parents dumped tons of money into whatever the hobby of the day was, whether it be track, gymnastics, theater, or underwater basket weaving.  The hobbies never lasted long.

At one point, the hobby was poetry.  She wrote demonic poems and would ask me to read them to her out loud.  Around this same era, she programmed her iPad to play demonic chants in some layered audio editor.  She would play the chants as she had me read her poetry.

I feared for my life since I already knew this girl had it out for me.  She would “tattle” on me to her mom about stupid things and the mom would believe her.  One time I was boiling water for pasta and a drop of water boiled over and splattered on the burner. She told her mom that I tried to burn the house down.  Another time, I left the dog out for around 20 minutes and she told her mom that I left the dog out for too long and made the dog hate her.

After these occasions, the mother would call or text me every half hour to check to make sure her house was still standing and her dog was not left outside.

 

The Crazy Mom

I had another little girl who I babysat a few times who was around four years old.  She was an only child and, again, it was the typical only child scenario. The mother was texting me constantly asking for updates on the daughter and on the dog.

The daughter was well behaved and super easy to take care of.  The only issue (which really could have been a non-issue) was that she had a little sore throat.  I did not want to medicate the girl since I really did not know what to give her.  I decided to give her some green tea.  The little girl absolutely loved the tea and it helpd her throat.

The mom texted me asking for an update so I told her that she had a sore throat and how I had given her the tea.  Less that a minute later the mom called me in a panic telling me to take the tea away immediately because the caffeine would interfere with her daughter’s growth and she would deal with the sore throat when she got home.  I knew that green tea had minimal amounts of caffeine but was not about to argue with the mom.  I hung up and took the tea away from the daughter which triggered waterworks because she loved the tea so much.

I was never asked to watch the little girl again.

 

My Sister’s Apple

Since I was going out of town for a week without my family this summer, I arranged for my sister to fill in for me at my nanny job.  The parents and I decided that it would be a good idea for her to come with me a few times to let the kids get used to her.

The first time I brought her, the kids were sitting down for a snack and she was eating an apple.  The two year old asked for a bite of her apple so she handed it to him.  First, he started licking it.  We told him to stop and he laughed.  He licked the apple one more time and the rubbed it on his naked private area and screamed, “MY PENIS IS COLD!”

My sister, who has no filter, was mortified.  She replied, “hey!! Get my apple off of your nuts!”

Now, the parents are very straightforward with their kids when it comes to names of body parts so “nuts” was not a word that they knew.  The older boy, who was eating pecans, told my sister that the nuts were on the table and it would be weird if his brother rubbed the apple on the nuts.

In case you were wondering what happened to the apple, we washed it off and my sister and the baby continued to share it.

 

Brother Husbands

My older nanny kid has been asking a lot of questions about marriage and dating recently.  He was confused as to why his parents live together but I do not live with my boyfriend.  He asked me if he was allowed to marry me and I told him that it is not appropriate for a nanny to marry one of the kids that she watches.  He asked a million questions about why and I basically told him that I was too old for him.  He said that his mommy was older than his daddy so the husband could be older.  Rather than arguing, I simply told him that I would probably be married before he was old enough.

Last week, he noticed that I was wearing a ring on my finger (which was actually a ring that my boyfriend found on the floor while he was touring his college and gave to me long before we were together) and he asked if it meant that I was married.  I told him no and explained how wedding bands and engagement rings worked.  His mom walked in on the conversation and asked him and his brother if they ever wanted to get married. They both said that they wanted to marry me because they loved me and wanted me to have their last name.  Now they refer to me using my “full name” which includes their last name hyphenated with my boyfriend’s last name because they said that they want all three of them to be my husbands.

 

I have many more fond memories and horror stories of nannying and I am sure that I will have many more.  From baking banana bread and gardening with two toddlers (both events were quite messy) to curating zoo animals (well…children), there is never a dull moment.  I absolutely love my job and I cannot wait until I get to raise some crazies of my own.

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